Regular visitors here may have noticed that I have a blog list at the side of the page.
This list is a snippet of the blogs I admire, contribute to and think are relevant to the subjects I post on The (almost) Car-less family.
The Eagle eyed among you may have noticed that one is now missing.
Now I have nothing personally against the creator of the free range kids website. Many of her principles are sound and dipped in common sense.
The reason I have removed the blog is because of the bad feeling, vitriol and down right one-up-man-ship.
The post comments are full of parents belitteling anyone who dares to say "I'm sorry I don't agree", anyone who admits that no, their child doesn't walk to school is pointed at as the archetype helicopter parent.
The main thing that disturbed me was the black and whiteness of the whole thing.
Don;t get me wrong, I have no fear thet paedophiles are lurking behind every bush waiting to steal my children, but I DO worry about the fast road past my house where the only place to cross is at the bottom of two hills and is easy for an ADULT to misjudge let alone a child.
Because of this they can't go up the village to play in the street (another free range kids must), or ride their bikes without supervision.
Not one person on the blog comments could say "yes, I can understand that problem" without being shouted down by parents accusing them (and me) of just not letting go.
I don't need that kind of hate in my life.
Parenting should be a fantastic and loving journey, as individual as the people who created the children. There are no rules, there are no boxes that fit children perfectly.
The children, the area you live in, your own lifestyle, these are the things that determine how you can parent.
There are very few true free range children, just like there are very few true free range animals in farms.
Again it depends on several variables.
A pig for example cannot be taken out of the barn and called free range. He is the wrong pig on the wrong farm, making an intensively reared pig into a "free range one" means it becomes a form of neglect. You can see fields full of pink pigs in the winter, only steel shelters and not enough bedding to keep warm.
An old breed of "hairy" dark pig on a purpose made free range farm would be much happier. Many farmed boars are kept in woodland and have shelter from the elements to complement the hide they have.
Is this a strange analogy??
Stick with me now.....
These post commenter's bang on and on about how they where aloud to do this that and the other when they where kids and THEY didn't get hurt.
30, 40 50 years ago the traffic was a 1/5 of what we have now, the cars are faster and streets and housing complexes designed for the use of a car not a child's feet. To throw open your door to a wide eyed 6 year old and shout "Go play free range" is neglect in an unsafe area.
I just wonder, when will parents start to use common sense when they raise their kids, instead of latching onto a "method" and guarding it as jealously as a pit bull with a bone. When as people did we become so unsure of our abilities as parents that we have to belittle other people for being different in their own parenting approach.
Thoughts?
This time I'd really like to hear them.
Removal of debate shows fear and ignorance. Why don't you comment yourself?
ReplyDeleteAnd, in America, I completely disaggree with your blanket traffic statistics. You don't live here. I rode my bike through cities and country side for decades with no helmet, no cellphone, no GPS.
And my son will do the same.
I think parenting is one of those things that is so personal. I think debate is important and its great to look at different styles of parenting and get some different ideas. But when comments start getting nasty and personal that's another issue, that's not a debate, it becomes an attack.
ReplyDeleteEvery family is different and every child is different, which is why parenting is such an individual thing. I belong to a parenting type forum and its great I've gotten so much great advice and ideas, but for some reason when the topics get controversial (to vaccinate or not, to circumcise or not, breastfeeding vs formula feeding) things become personal and nasty. I think its because our beliefs on these issues are close to our hearts and so personal. But its so unnecessary, people should just agree to disagree or if you can't say anything nice...
I'm a true believer in everything in moderation. We definetly don't subscribe to one style of parenting, we do what works and what we're comfortable with.
And I don't know about the states but here in Canada the traffic has definitely gotten crazier. Red light runners, rolling stops at stop signs, drunk drivers. I didn't wear a helmet as a kid, but there's no way I'd risk my kids lives and not put helmets on them, its the law here.
I understand about how paranoid parents and people are getting these days and again I believe moderation is key. Stuff I was allowed to do as a kid my kids won't be able to. Its a different world now then it was 30 years ago.
k I DID comment ..twice..I was shouted down each time..I was told that because I said I wouldn't have done the same (Husband and wife left 2 kids 9 and 6 in the car at walmart went inside for 30 mins, someone called the police..ok they should NOT have called the police.. ) and that really 30 mins was a little long when a 6 year old was in the car with the 9 year old I was at the stinging end of several comments that basically called me wrong and over protective and was wroitten in the tone of a pissed off 12 year old.
ReplyDeleteIt is no longer a comment forum when the attacks by other posters becaome personal.
Traffic hasn't changed for you? Great wish I lived there. And K I expect better of you..who is removing debate?? Not me I tried debate I got snide remarks and laughed at.
Andrea my world is diffrent now I am an adult. This is not a rosy spectecled vision. Hey guess what..when kids learnt to drive 30 years ago they got old cars that did 40 mph tops..now they pass their test and jump in a brand new car that can get 130+ ..Aberdeenshire has the highest rate of deaths on the road in the UK.
I used to cycle everywhere when I was a kid, I used to ride everywhere when I was a kid. Now I am scared to ride thehorses on the road..after each near miss (last one had a car nearly hit my sons pony from behind, she was going too fast around a blind bend) I wonder when my luck will run out.
Situations are different all over the world, but its no excuse for using a forum or blog comment to attack those who disagree with you.
You nailed it when you said "situations are different all over the world." I live in the boonies and my kids are very much free range. We have very little traffic on our road, which is about as much traffic as we had on our road when I was a kid. We walk, ride and bike on that road and the only time I ever worry is early in the morning when the huge milk trucks are leaving the dairy farms. They like to drive fast...the other drivers are for the most part conscientious about speed.
ReplyDeleteSubdivisions near cities in the U.S. are being built to cater to families with children in a way so those kids never have to be on the street to get to playgrounds. There may be fewer sidewalks, but those newer subdivisions are providing more playgrounds and other activities (walking/biking trails, tennis courts, basketball courts, etc.) than we ever had when I was young.
But, even as a "free range mom" I would never, ever just set my 8-year-old free on the city streets. Why? Because she would have no idea about what to do or how to be safe because she has never had to deal with that situation. It would be a disaster! On the other hand, 8-year-olds who grew up in that environment could most likely handle that kind of environment because they are used to it. Those same kids would probably find themselves hopelessly lost in my woods if I set them free on my property like I do with my kids.
Would I leave my 8 year old in a car by herself? Nope. Not because I think someone is going to snatch her out of the car or because I think it's terribly dangerous but because I KNOW my kid and I know she would be bored out of her mind in about five minutes and would probably have the entire dash board dismantled and would start occupying herself in other less-than-ideal ways. And because I fear other parents and their bizarre need to poke their noses in other peoples' parenting methods.
Nice to see you back Jenn :)
ReplyDeleteYou are right of course. Situation, situation, situation...(so right I said it thrice ;) Horses for courses...I am scared to death of people who blindly follow a belief (and it is, parenting "methods" are almost faith like in their tunnel vision).
Here's an example...Parents at school think I am hard, I don't rush over to my kids if they trip, I am not sprinting before they hit the ground. Since they were toddlers I have let them come to me for a simple fall, consequently I have kids who bounce and jump up dusting themselves off...I let my kids ride their ponies off the lead rein(smaller ones) and do stunt tricks on ponies AND bikes, god damn it they lick the raw cake batter out of the bowl!! I haven't hovered under playground equipment since they were 2 (no lie, there is a parent of a child OLLIES age (9) who still stands under the climbing frame waiting to catch her child :P).
HOWEVER....
I do not allow my kids to walk along the bank next to the park like all the other parents...why?? The bank is high and steep..fine in itself, but at the bottom of said bank is a tiny pavement that is next to a very fast strip of road. The pavement is so narrow that any kid who slips off the bank WILL fall directly into the road.
I make that decision as a parent.
Its a case of choosing your fights, your rules and your discretion to fit the situation..if the bank dropped to a wide pavement I would probably let them..if it was in a field I would definitely let them.
It amazes me that some parents are more worried about their kid falling 7 feet off a climbing frame onto a RUBBER floor than they are about their kids rolling into a fast road.
Tunnel vision.
I remember the first time I let my son go in the park. He was almost 4 and loved to climb and there I was under him, looking up, arms out at the ready, waiting for him to fall... when it hit me. He always stopped when he felt it was unsafe, he was an excellent judge of his situation in that regard. So I walked away. Since then, I have trusted him and stayed back. But I still kept an eye on him, because almost 4 year olds haven't yet developed a relationship between actions and consequences.
ReplyDeleteYou should take this debate back and examine it scientifically, exploring cognitive development. lol. And it would still end up the same. Helicopter vs Free Range child-rearing is really a topic dangerous for people’s blood pressure! Oprah did a show on it once and the moms almost ate each other. The free-range mom lived in New York and out of the blue gave her 8 year old money for the subway and a map to get home. Said "See you there". I wont even get started on that ;)
I think where Kelly is going is defining a not-so-new and fad-ulicious style of parenting. A simple, honest, tried and true method.
Yes! There is middle ground! And it is the wisest in my humble, Canadian, Mother-of-one opinion. The focus should be on responsible parenting. It sure is fun to argue over who is smarter and knows more about how to raise kids, but it is all subjective and situational. The reasons parents choose to raise their children with a certain set of values can range from them really believing it is best for their kids, to just trying to do the opposite of what was done to them. It depends on that and so much more.
Any experienced parent knows the pitfalls of being inflexible with children, and any good parent can relate to the pain of putting a child in a dangerous and potentially harmful situation. It is a responsible parent who truly values their child, knows their strengths and weaknesses, guards them from potential harm and is there to guide and help them assimilate new experiences properly.
The way I see it is pretty simple; Children are not projects, experiments, or property. They are tiny souls entrusted to us, and our job is to raise them to be secure, confident, people who can successfully manage and navigate their lives. With whatever responsible measures and means required.
To me, the debate runs deeper then bike helmets and crossing the street. Here, we have laws and even crosswalks to help people make these difficult decisions easier. The core of this debate really is responsability. And in the end, looking at the LONG RANGE, we have to wonder when we are acting on behalf of our children, how are we going to be held accountable for the choices we made raising them.
Right then. Well...when i was young (I'm now a rather older than i should be 28) my parents let me play in our tenfoot. (The ally between the back of the houses which is ten foot wide) Hardly any traffic came down there and we were sensible enough to move if a car came down there. Saying that, i was only allowed to play down there from the age of 8. My sons, on the other hand, don't have a tenfoot to play in. The avenue we live on (We live in Yorkshire, UK) is rather quiet and any cars that come down it drive slowly, knowing kids are playing. BUT i still do not let my 6 year old play out there and because of that the other parents in the area think i am cruel. They don't think twice about letting their kids play in the street. I hear them shouting them in for their dinner on a night. Sometimes it takes 30 mins for the kids to appear! I do let him play in our front garden as i can see him out of my living room window and can keep an eye on him. A month or so ago, my fears were justified. We had reports from the police that a man was seen hanging around our avenue 'talking' to kids, and one of our neighbours was arrested for drug dealing! And this is supposed to be a nice area! (we are moving soon lol) Now all the other parents are kicking off a storm as they say their children are not safe playing in the street. Well durr! Letting kids play where and when its safe is fine, but i do not believe a road is a safe place. I am the same as you Kelly. If my kids fall i do not run over. This just makes kids into cry babies. They play in the park and fall off stuff regularly and they don't even bat an eyelid! If it is a nice day we go to the local park where we play cricket and football and the boys can play in the playground. I still keep a very close eye n them tho, even there. Unfortunately, nowadays, you can't just push your kids out of the door and say "Go play" IT'S NOT SAFE! Roads, Paedos, bikes etc... It's just not worth the risk. As for not riding bikes without helmets, my kids would never dream of doing that! Why risk it? they cost next to nothing and they may just save your kids brain from decorating a pavement. Who would be the first person you blamed if that happened? You? No, it would be the drivers fault. Things may be different in the US, but i cannot comment. I don't live there. Never have, never will. Anyway, enough for now. This is why i don't write my own blog...i have verbal diarrhoea! :P
ReplyDeleteHey guys...seeing as we had so much fun with this lets start a breast v bottle debate XD
ReplyDeleteah me....
Everyone has a point, everyone has their own area to live in and, as Free Range Kyttin said, our children all have strengths and weaknesses.
Hey guess what Ms "I-let-my-kid-free-range", maybe MY child is not as advanced as your child in some areas, but I bet there are other areas my kid excels at.
How many weak parents are backed into letting their kids do things they just are not ready for.
For the last time, in a summing up kinda way....I LIKE the principles..damn it I AGREE with most of them But, but ..but life is never black and white, there is never a right or wrong way, only the correct way to react to situations.
Also, to the FR parents who trot out the same "I did xyz when I was that age and it did me no harm". Our parents let us do many things, it dosn;t mean they where all right.
Kids used to go up chimneys and work in mills, most survived, some did not, is that ok too?
Tell it to the siblings who watched a brother drown at the age of 5 because he was playing unsupervised, or the kid who died because he dashed into a road.
No we shouldn't;t wrap them in cotton wool,yes the vast majority of children reach adulthood unscathed....but as a parent, how would you feel, how would you live with yourself if following a FRK "project" your small child never came home.
Calculated risks, you can't prevent all accidents, genuine tragedies will happen..but there are many parents who regret throwing caution to the wind, ask the Mccanns if they will not bother with a hotel babysitter for one night?
Would I leave a 3 yr old and 2 2yr olds in a hotel suit alone? No.
Do I think they would be abducted? No, that was a billion to 1 chance THAT was the unforeseen tragedy...would I worry that the children would wake up and be upset on their own for 1/2 hr at atime, or that they would get up and fiddle with dangerous things, or try to get out of the room...yes...THAT is reckless....The Grey areas.
BREAST!!! I'm the only one of ALL my mother friends here who even bothered. Isn't that sad :( It's like yogurt without the probiotics. A thing of the past.....
ReplyDeletelol
MWAH!